I'm constantly amazed at how quickly my mood can change. I went to the doctor today since my fingers are still numb. She thinks it's actually a pinched nerve in my neck, not the wrist that is causing the numbness. The fact that I felt pain all down my shoulder when she lightly pressed on the back of my neck would seem to support this. Her recommendation is ice, Advil, and better posture both on and off the bike. Though she doesn't want me going on any rides until she sees me at the end of next week.
I'm feeling very frustrated. I spent awhile looking at biking websites today, trying to learn more about the "correct" posture when riding a bike. Most of what I found was conflicting, or at least geared towards bikers much higher in ability than I. The whole experience left me feeling out of control and depressed. My mood quickly spiraled down from there.
I found myself in a ring of negative thoughts - that the fates were against me. I'm damned if I don't get out an exercise (have no energy and gain more weight). I'm damned when I do (I get hurt. Biking=numb fingers. Backpacking=massive pain and soreness. Walking the marathon=knee problems and more said pain). I came home very much in a frame of mind of I can't win. That I have no control over my life. That I've failed. Once again, going from point A to point Q without stopping in between. Seeing a minor setback as a failure both in the endeavor and self-worth.
After sitting on the couch at home for a while stewing, I sat and I meditated. I got a guided meditation CD in the mail today, along with a mediation cushion. So I sat for a half hour and tried to focus on the CD and music and ignore Smudge crawling around my legs. When the half hour was over, I did feel a bit better. It wasn't a magic silver bullet. But I did feel more relaxed.
Why can't I give myself more credit? I'm changing a lot in my life right now - from exercise to hobbies (I want to try SCUBA and take horseback riding lessons again) to the way I think and react in conversations and relationships (let alone the whole getting divorced and living on your own thing). I want it all to be easy. Rather than seeing the bumps in the road as a learning opportunity, I see it as a flag or a warning that I should stop. I suppose the fact that I am even aware of this is an improvement. A year ago I wouldn't have even tried - for if you don't try you can't fail (or succeed).
I'm not giving up. The Poop Monster may have won this round (I did eat cookies and ice cream for dinner again tonight), but that's not match point. I just feel so gosh darn inadequately prepared to fight the good fight. Like everyone else knows the secret password and I'm stuck fumbling around trying to find the way in. I hate that.
