I have struggled with my weight and body image all of my life. I can remember being aware that I was bigger than the other girls as far back as first and second grade. I was always a big girl. I was the tallest one in my grade until 7th grade when Ben Garvin finally became taller than me (he's now well over 6 feet tall). I've been this height - 5 feet 7.5 inches - since 8th grade. The smallest I ever was at this height was just before my father died my junior year of high school. I weighed 153 pounds. And I still thought that I had another 15 or so pounds to go.
I have joined Weight Watchers many times, the first time being in 8th grade. I weighed 182 pounds. I have always been successful on their program, meaning that I have lost weight. The most I ever lost was around 30 pounds. I have never done any type of diet other than Weight Watchers. The problem is that I have never fully dealt with the underlying issues around my eating - the emotional and stress eating, the lack of self-love and self-acceptance - before. So I always gained the weight back. Because I always slipped back into the comfortable old patterns and behaviors.
I joined Weight Watchers again on August 5, 2004. I am now a meetings member as well as a subscriber to their online tools. I decided to join the meetings again because I want the sense of community. I want some time just for me, to focus on me. And I want the external commitment. I want the accountability. Which is part of why I'm "going public" with this and putting it on the web.
My goal for doing this is so my body can become healthier. I do not believe that I am healthy at the weight that I currently am at. I do not like that I feel that I am in my own way. I do not like that most of my clothes do not fit. I do not like that I am out of breath when I walk up the stairs to my office. I have been lighter before and I like how my body felt then more than how it feels now.
I do not have a "magic number" or weight goal that I am working towards. Given past weights, I'm guessing that I would feel and look my best around 160 pounds. I may get there. I may not. I am not going to kill myself to reach some arbitrary number on the scale. I will gauge my progress and success on how I feel. I will never look like the women in magazines or on TV. I do not want to look like them. I have womanly curves and I like that. I do not want to loose that.
This is not a diet. It is learning to take care of myself. I am relearning how to interact with people and deal with my emotions with my therapist. I am relearning how to care of my body and deal with food with Weight Watchers. This is a healthy living program. Eating fruits and vegetables is not a punishment. Moving my body each day is not a temporary hobby. No matter how much I wish otherwise, I will need to keep doing these things each day of the rest of my life if I am to maintain a healthy body. A car needs gas and oil to keep running. A body needs healthy food and exercise. It's as simple as that.
