I went home from work early yesterday. For once, it wasn't an agonizing decision. I was tired. I was frazzled. I was crying. I was at the end of my rope. At my wit's end. So I went home. I crawled into bed, my cats joined me, and we all took a nice long nap. I felt better when I woke up. The physical pain of being awake was gone.
I also spent a large amount of time last night talking about my feelings. I talked a lot. With three different people. My three Safest People. My Safe People are the ones that I let see inside the dark little box of emotions I have inside me. It's a very scary box for me. Most people never see the box at all, let alone what's inside it. I used to spend all my time keeping the lid closed and pretending the box didn't exist. I can peek into the box now, but often only with a Safe Person with me.
I'm much better about it now - but I still have trouble with it. My trouble stems from when I feel disconnected from my Safe People and I start to deny the box. When I deny the box, I'm denying my nature. And I can only run from it for so long before I have a meltdown - like yesterday. And I'm forced to look at the box and look inside of it.
I'm feeling better. The box is never as scary as I make it out to be. But it still is unpleasant. There's always lots of crying and sobbing and heart aching involved. But there is a calm that always follows after the storm. Which feels very good.
I'm not done with this one. This new corner of the box is a big one; there's lots in there.
