So, the New Me project has sorta been on hold for awhile. A long while. And I say sorta, because I specifically mean the physical/outward side of the project is what has been on hold. I've done squat-all to loose weight or get in shape. In fact, I've surpassed my heaviest ever weight and scored a new heaviest ever. *sigh* Well, no one will ever say I'm an under achiever, right?
But I've still been working on the inside. Mostly focused on making the transition to working in SF. On one hand I say that sounds like no big deal. But it is a big deal for me. I haven't worked in a city in 5 years. And Boston and SF are quite different places. So there's the stress of the commute. The stress of all the people, the new smells, the new environment. I don't know where to go for lunch or if I need to run to the bank. Everything is new. And while that is thrilling and exciting and (at least on some level) I am really enjoying it. It's also stressing for me.
And then there is the job itself. Going back to consulting. But it really isn't "going back" since Argus and AP are very different. I know I'll do well and do good work and be challenged and stretched and that that is what I want and what I need. But still, it's change. It's different. It's taking getting used to. I went from a place where I knew exactly what was expected of me to a place where I'm still figuring that out. I know I will. It just takes time.
I'm also running up against a whole slew of self-esteem issues. Irrational and unfounded as they may be (but isn't that the whole point of low self-esteem?), they are still big and nasty and taking quite a lot out of me to get over. Everyone seems to love my plants and polar bear and introduction of tea time. They keep saying I'm bringing a new/different energy to the place and how wonderful it is.
But I come home at night and worry so much about how I don't feel cool enough. I'm not hip enough. I feel out of my element. P may joke about teddybear sweaters and comfortable shoes, but that does fall within my known comfort zone. I'm so glad M was out here to help me with my clothes. I still doubt the way I look, but I know at least I'm dressing better than I used to. But I do hate (really HATE) being the biggest one in the office. I'm very self-conscience of it. Everyone seems so little and cool and trendy and sure of themselves. And yes, once I get to know them better I'm sure I'll find out that they are all human and have just as many insecurities as I do (in places that I never would have expected).
So... what am I doing about it? Well, the first is the commute. Which I'm trying very hard not to hate, but look at as a gift. It's making me walk 50 or so minutes a day. Which is a very good thing. I know I need to exercise and this builds it into my day automatically. But right now it hurts. It hurts a lot. Oh God do I hurt. It reminds me of the early days of TNT training. Or going to Big Basin when you wake up the second day and you are so tired and everything hurts and the last thing you want to do is put that body-crushing pack on your back, but you must, for it is the only way to get home. I know it will get better. The more I do it the easier it will become. But right now it is really hard. And it makes me so angry and disgusted at myself that I am so fat and out of shape that it is so hard.
Tomorrow I am going to cook food for the week. E said that he would help me. I'm going to make stuffed shells, curried cauliflower, and maybe the pasta with the chickpeas. That would give me 3 choices to rotate for lunches and dinner. I don't have any sweets left in the house and I'm not going to buy any more (which will be so hard). They do have chocolate at the office, but at least I can't come home and eat cookies for dinner. (Of course, then what happens is like last night where I end up just going to bed with no dinner.)
I will figure this out. It will get better. It's only been 5 days. 5 days is nothing. It takes 30 days to make a habit (or is that 60?). But it's really hard right now. I'm so tired. I hurt. Being sick doesn't help. I feel like I'm being crushed by this huge weight and there is no one to help. I'm in this alone. And that is part of what makes it so hard. I come home and there is no one to stroke my head and say 'good job.' I need to figure out a way to do that for myself. Hmm. That's going to be a tough one.
