I spent the long Memorial Day holiday weekend in Sun City Center, FL with my grandmother, Aunt Anita, and her boyfriend Frank. It was a good trip. I got there late Thursday afternoon and didn't leave until Monday morning.
My grandmother cracks me up. She is so cute and so funny. Everytime I see her she is tinier and tinier. But she's still a pistol, even though she has Alzheimers. She'll curse at you in Italian "fata fata tuie" (I know that's not how you spell it, but that's how it sounds) which is essentially "mind your own business." She"ll come out with a "holy Moses" or "Atlantic Ocean" when others would say "oh geez." Yet she'll then come out with a zinger like the Italian form of "don't shit where you eat." Most of these comments are followed by her giggling cackle, her whole shoulders moving as she laughs.
She kept talking about needing to find a man. Everyone needed to find a man. To make a loop. I finally asked her what exactly "making a loop meant." She told me it was holding hands. It came out later that no, that's the PG definition. "Making a loop" requires other, um, body parts, to complete the circle. Anita and I took great care pointing out men that Nana could "make a loop" with. She didn't like any of the ones we found though. She said they were all too old. She wants a young one. Woo! Go Nana!
The loss of her memory has been really hard on my Nana. I wasn't sure what to expect when I got down there. She remembers a lot from the past, and still tells stories from when we were all younger. But she doesn't remember that I live in San Francisco or that my brother is married with two kids. You'll have the same converstaion multiple times in an hour. Looking at pictures helps to jog her memory though.
There was one night where Nana and I spent the evening together. We had dinner and then she decided that she wanted to go out. We went to radio shack so I could get a replacement cell phone charger, and then walked around the shopping center a bit. I kept teasing her that we could go to Home Depot and get her a drill, it was right there. As we were leaving the center we saw a couple of fire trucks drive down the road past us. It was her idea to follow them. So I did a u-turn and we tracked down the fire trucks. It was a brush fire near a golf course, on the edge of a ritzy housing development. We had fun watching the trucks and looking at the houses, and trying to find the source of the smoke.
We also spent some time talking, which was really nice. She misses my grandfather so much. The two of them were like peas in a pod. She knows that she forgets things and is frustrated that she can't remember. She also feels that she is losing control over her life - she's dependent upon others and while I think she is grateful to have them and their help, she bucks against them, throwing her anger at her situation at them. My poor aunt is often gets the brunt of it.
It's hard. I know that my grandmother's situation is not unusual. What she is going through happens to many of us, and will very likely happen to me. It hurts to see her so confused and frustrated though. I don't want her to age. I don't want her to hurt (both emotionally and physically).
I understand why in this youth-focused culture of America people push the elderly aside, trying to forget. But I don't like that model. I wish I could be closer to her. I wish Nicholas and Gracie could spend more time with her. Families used to live in big units - all the aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents living close together. I know it wasn't as fun and easy as it is to imagine. But I do believe that we've lost something by separating the extended family.
