Dear readers, if you have been around me for any length of time, you know that I don't sleep. Actually, that's not quite true. I lie in bed, with my eyes closed and my brainwaves slow and I often dream. But that rested, restored and ready to take on the world feeling that most people have when they wake up in the morning? Yeah, I haven't had that in years. And I'm not using hyperbole here. It's literally been years since I've slept well on a regular basis. I've had the odd night here and there where I think I slept okay. But it's never more than one night in a row.
The past three months have been total and complete hell when it comes to the whole sleep thing. In an attempt to improve the quality of my sleep my meds were adjusted and that adjustment had the complete and total opposite effect. I feel like I did two years ago, before I went for my first sleep study.
Yesterday was a breaking point. I reached the point where I couldn't take it more and I just started to cry from the exhaustion. It wasn't tears of depression. It wasn't because of some emotional trauma. It was that there was nothing left and I was so tired all I could do was cry. I had to leave work early because of it. Things haven't been that bad in a long time.
Today is better. I've been hovering around the 8.5-9 point mark of a 10 point-scale of tireness (10 being so tired you are dead) for the past week or so. I talked with my doctor last night, we made some adjustments, and my head was much clearer this morning. I think I'm down to a 7.5-8 on the scale now. I really don't know what anything below a 5 feels like, it's been so long. But there is a plan now — back to the sleep specialists and neurologists to try to get to the bottom of this.
*sigh* I wish I could go take a nap.
