Recently in weight Category

I've decided that I'm not going to keep the New Me Blog updated anymore. Instead, I will be posting on this topic over on LiveJournal. This is mostly for privacy reasons, since I can restrict the posts to friends only. If you'd like, look me up over there. I'm cfox74.

E and I have decided to join Weight Watchers together. Both of us are unhappy with the way we feel and how we look. We're going to do the program online and go to meetings. There is a Thursday night meeting in Sunnyvale that we are going to go to. That way I can take the train down and we can go to our meeting together. This will also help with my feeling that we need to connect more during the week. And it will help make sure that we both keep going to the meetings. It should be good. We are also going to try to cook together on the weekends so we have healthy lunches and dinners through the week.

I'm feeling nervous about joining again though. I don't want to fail again. I know it's not a black and white, fail or win type of thing. Even if I just loose 10 pounds that is a big success and would be really good for me, health-wise.

I don't have the excuses that I've been using for the past 5 months anymore. I'm settled into the job. The divorce is history. I've moved, so the commute is now a managable length. I need to just do it (to coin a phrase). There's no reason why I should not be eating real meals. I just haven't been. I've been lazy.

Well, now is the time to change that. I know I will feel better if I do. Both physically and with the feeling that I am controlling food, not the other way around.

So, the New Me project has sorta been on hold for awhile. A long while. And I say sorta, because I specifically mean the physical/outward side of the project is what has been on hold. I've done squat-all to loose weight or get in shape. In fact, I've surpassed my heaviest ever weight and scored a new heaviest ever. *sigh* Well, no one will ever say I'm an under achiever, right?

But I've still been working on the inside. Mostly focused on making the transition to working in SF. On one hand I say that sounds like no big deal. But it is a big deal for me. I haven't worked in a city in 5 years. And Boston and SF are quite different places. So there's the stress of the commute. The stress of all the people, the new smells, the new environment. I don't know where to go for lunch or if I need to run to the bank. Everything is new. And while that is thrilling and exciting and (at least on some level) I am really enjoying it. It's also stressing for me.

And then there is the job itself. Going back to consulting. But it really isn't "going back" since Argus and AP are very different. I know I'll do well and do good work and be challenged and stretched and that that is what I want and what I need. But still, it's change. It's different. It's taking getting used to. I went from a place where I knew exactly what was expected of me to a place where I'm still figuring that out. I know I will. It just takes time.

I'm also running up against a whole slew of self-esteem issues. Irrational and unfounded as they may be (but isn't that the whole point of low self-esteem?), they are still big and nasty and taking quite a lot out of me to get over. Everyone seems to love my plants and polar bear and introduction of tea time. They keep saying I'm bringing a new/different energy to the place and how wonderful it is.

But I come home at night and worry so much about how I don't feel cool enough. I'm not hip enough. I feel out of my element. P may joke about teddybear sweaters and comfortable shoes, but that does fall within my known comfort zone. I'm so glad M was out here to help me with my clothes. I still doubt the way I look, but I know at least I'm dressing better than I used to. But I do hate (really HATE) being the biggest one in the office. I'm very self-conscience of it. Everyone seems so little and cool and trendy and sure of themselves. And yes, once I get to know them better I'm sure I'll find out that they are all human and have just as many insecurities as I do (in places that I never would have expected).

So... what am I doing about it? Well, the first is the commute. Which I'm trying very hard not to hate, but look at as a gift. It's making me walk 50 or so minutes a day. Which is a very good thing. I know I need to exercise and this builds it into my day automatically. But right now it hurts. It hurts a lot. Oh God do I hurt. It reminds me of the early days of TNT training. Or going to Big Basin when you wake up the second day and you are so tired and everything hurts and the last thing you want to do is put that body-crushing pack on your back, but you must, for it is the only way to get home. I know it will get better. The more I do it the easier it will become. But right now it is really hard. And it makes me so angry and disgusted at myself that I am so fat and out of shape that it is so hard.

Tomorrow I am going to cook food for the week. E said that he would help me. I'm going to make stuffed shells, curried cauliflower, and maybe the pasta with the chickpeas. That would give me 3 choices to rotate for lunches and dinner. I don't have any sweets left in the house and I'm not going to buy any more (which will be so hard). They do have chocolate at the office, but at least I can't come home and eat cookies for dinner. (Of course, then what happens is like last night where I end up just going to bed with no dinner.)

I will figure this out. It will get better. It's only been 5 days. 5 days is nothing. It takes 30 days to make a habit (or is that 60?). But it's really hard right now. I'm so tired. I hurt. Being sick doesn't help. I feel like I'm being crushed by this huge weight and there is no one to help. I'm in this alone. And that is part of what makes it so hard. I come home and there is no one to stroke my head and say 'good job.' I need to figure out a way to do that for myself. Hmm. That's going to be a tough one.

Progress is in spirals. I have to keep reminding myself of this. This place that I am currently at - not eating well, not exercising, eating cookies for dinner - looks very familiar. I have been here before. But it is not the same place as before, because I am different. Other circumstances in my life are different. My perspective is different.

This is not a failure. I have gained back all the weight I had lost with WW, plus some more. I am now currently at my heaviest ever. EVER. But this is not failure. There is no win or loose. This is who I am right now. I have to accept this. Because there is no other way. This is me.

I am writing this because I need to remind myself of it. If I tell myself this enough times, I hope it will begin to sink in. And I'll believe it.

I am not happy with my body right now. I am uncomfortable in my skin, as I feel that I am in my own way. And I will do something about it. I will. I know I will. I'm just not ready at the moment. I need to sit in this holding pattern for awhile, collecting myself, loving myself.

*sigh*

This is hard. Really hard. Someday I will figure it out. But not today.

Ugh.

I. Feel. Awful. I haven't been to WW since the end of Sept. My eating has gotten completely out of control. I gained back the little bit I had lost and then some (not a new story). I feel like such a tub of fat. I HATE feeling this way. I have no energy. I'm SO tired.

And I know that if I ate better and actually moved my butt once and awhile, I would feel much better. I haven't been drinking enough water, which certainly isn't helping. All I'm eating is carbs and sugar and fat. Why? Because it tastes good and is easy. It's much easier to sit on the couch and eat cookies out of the box for dinner than stand up and actually cook something.

I could come up with a million different excuses for why I've fallen off the wagon again. How it all started with Connect and how I had no control over what was served. And then Mags was here and we ate out a fair bit. And I've been busy at work and tired. And blah blah blah.

They're just excuses. I'm not eating well because I don't care enough right now to eat well. And the sweets just taste really good. Nevermind the heartburn and intestinal distress and bloating and ingestion when I stuff too much.

GAH! I just feel so gross. It's such a viscous cycle. I need to break out of it. I know I'll feel better if I do. And that's not even considering any poundage that might be lost. But I'm so tired. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to have to plan. I don't want cook. I want someone else to take care of me.

WAH! Welcome to my pity party. Did you bring any chocolate?

Oh boy..... my weight loss has completely stalled. I haven't been paying attention to what I've been eating at all. Having Mags staying with me has helped some. We've had a salad with dinner or grapes with breakie and whatnot.

I didn't go to WW last night, and I didn't go last week either. I was going to go last night, but I ended up leaving my booklet and pay-ahead coupons at home. I didn't feel like going home to get them and then going back out to the meeting. Especially since C and S were coming over for dinner. I think I'll go tomorrow morning. So it won't count as 2 weeks since I've gone. Last time I went I gained 2.2. Which was pretty good considering how I ate during Connect. (Oh, and I haven't updated the weight loss graph since I haven't worked out how to do screen captures on my Mac yet. It will be coming - I just haven't had a chance to play with it yet.)

I don't know. I'm having such a good time right now. I've feeling good about myself. My mood is up. But I also feel like there are all these back-burner things that it's time to get back to watching (healthy eating being one of them). Why does the whole work-life balance thing have to be so difficult?

I had a really pleasant surprise at weigh-in tonight. I lost another 0.2 pounds. I don't really see how I lost anything this week, given what I was eating. Cookies for dinner for more than 1/2 the week. I'm guessing that TOM starting (which seems to quickly deflate any bloat) was mostly involved. It was a very nice surprise though. I'm certainly not going to knock it.

I spent all afternoon running around and doing errands. By the time I got home at 7, I was starving. And that was after I had saved my dried apple pieces to eat during the meeting and bought a box of Just 2 Points bars at the meeting so I'd have something at the doctor's. I made the Trader Joe's frozen gnocchi for dinner. I ate the whole thing (wasn't originally planning on that), but it was only 9 points and I was really hungry. Ended the day 2.5 points over my target, but well within the flex point allowance, so it's all good.

I've been sitting on the couch watching TV for the last hour though. And I'm REALLY feeling the urge to eat. I know it's boredom. Or habit-eating. I'm not really hungry. It's hard to stay out of the kitchen though. Luckily it's almost 9, so by the time I pack up my scuba stuff I'll be ready to go to bed (I'm still so tired). And, well, there are no more cookies or snacks in the house to eat.

Okay... this is really difficult. Someone ordered Mexican food for a meeting today and there are big trays of tortillas, rice, refried beans, and cheese and sour cream sitting out in the pantry area of our office. AND Sandi changed the selection in her TNT fundraising candy box so she's got KitKats in there and White Reeses Peanut Butter Cups (I've never heard or such a thing. I love white chocolate!). And of course the Twix. I even saw a 3 Musketeers. Not that I was looking closely or anything. Nope, not me.

It's calling to me. It was SO hard to walk down the hall from the bathroom and not just fill up a whole plate. I'm not really hungry (leftover beans and rice really filled me up at lunch), but I'm feeling frazzled (there is so much I need to get done still today) and so I want to eat. Just that mindless hand-to-mouth action.

Tea time is in a half-hour. Sarah made chocolate oatmeal cookies last night. I need to save my points for those - they are SO good!

But the beans and cheese.... mmmmm... beans and cheese. What is it with me and beans and cheese lately? It's like, all I want to eat.

Okay, okay, so I know I'm not suppose to be obsessing about the whole "weight loss" thing, and how many pounds so far and all of that.

But.

So far I've lost 6 pounds in 1 month. They say weight loss should average 1-2 pounds per week. So... with 6 pounds in 4 weeks, that's right in the average. If I were to average 6 pounds a month, I'd still be to goal in less than a year. That's not bad at all. Pretty darn good actually.

Okay... I'm feeling less like a failure about this now.

And gee... so far I've been completely on plan today. Been in control of the situations and the food. Could that be having an influence on my mood? Hmmmmm......

GOD I'm SUCH a control freak!

Progress comes in many different shapes and sizes. The scale is just one of many measures. But it's not the only one. I need to focus on all the areas that are improving in my life. It's unhelpful to focus on just one measure. And it's unrealistic to demand improvement on that measure all the time.

Sometimes progress is in spirals. Sometimes we need to take longer to "get ready," to sit in a holding pattern, to check and recheck to make sure our ducks are in a row before we leap to the next stage.

Babies walk when they are ready to walk. They don't suddenly wake up one day, lace up their shoes, and walk out the door. I would never yell at Gracie or demean her that she isn't learning to walk fast enough. Why do I think it's okay to demean myself and yell at myself that I'm not loosing weight/getting healthy fast enough?

I need to noodle on this awhile. I need to learn this lesson. I need to take it to heart. I've been banging my head on this wall for a long, long time. Maybe it's time I took a moment, let the pain pass, and proceed when I'm ready.

In the mean time, here's a list of progress to remind myself that things are better.

• I am down 6 pounds from where I was 4 weeks ago.


• I am no longer eating a candybar (or more!) a day at work.


• I am drinking 8 glasses of water a day, often more. I am no longer liss-liss from dehydration.


• While it may not be 5 fruits and veggies a day, it is more than I had been eating.


• Yoga is getting me in touch with my body and tapping into my sense of inner strenght.


• I now have a haircut I like, and that makes me feel pretty.


• I am trying new things (yoga, scuba, mediation).


• I am committed to going to WW, even if I don't have a loss every week. I learn more there than just what the scale tells me.


• I am learning to have boundaries in my relationships and my life. They are not always solid, but they are at least developing.


• I am becoming aware of triggers and patterns in my life. I may not be able to solve the problem associated with them, but at least I know that I am now having a reaction.


• I'm starting to understand that I have choices. In what I think. What I do. How I act. I am not a passive reactionary. I am in control, even when it feels that I'm not.


• I have a wonderful apartment that is a safe space and I love it.


• I've spent 5 months living on my own and I'm still alive.


• Overall, I am the happiest that I've been in a very long time, if not my whole life.